Please someone help me stop playing Perfect Kick

Sorry dude.

This guy has no idea how badly I’m about to own him.

If you like have got stuff to do this week, turn back now. Go watch the trailer for Out There again. Or go make some coffee. Take the dog for a walk. You don’t want to read this post, my friend. Seriously. I’m not messing around.

Perfect Kick is a free-to-play multiplayer soccer penalty kick shootout game for iOS, and if you value your free time you will not download it. I was having trouble sleeping last night and I thought I’d do a couple of shootouts and then whoops there went the entire night. This game is a drug.

You make a macrocephalic LEGO soccer player and then match up with other players online in head-to-head shootouts. The kicks and the goaltending are both controlled with swipes, and the ball is a little slower and floatier than in real life to give the keeper more of a chance. It costs an ante in in-game money to start a match, and the winner takes all the cash. In the event that you run out, you can wait for it to recharge, or put a few bucks in to get back in the game faster. I’m embarrassed to admit which of those two options I’ve taken.

There are some hilariously over-the-top IAPs, and some of them seem like pay-to-win at first glance, but winning ultimately comes down to your own iron will and intestinal fortitude, no matter what the other dude has bought. This game makes me want to forgive Chillingo for all its sundry sins against gaming.

So I’m telling you: don’t download this game. Your family will forget what your face looks like. Your touchscreen finger will grow arthritic from overuse. But if you do download the game, don’t challenge me. I am a black hammer at this game and I will destroy anyone who takes me on. You’ve been warned.

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