Review: Curse of the Assassin

By Dave Neumann 04 Nov 2013 0
He looks scary, but he's just trying to tell you one weird old trick to having great abs. He looks scary, but he's just trying to tell you one weird old trick to having great abs.

Page 1:

Your adventure begins with the death of your best friend. A character you’ve never met, but I need you to feel sympathy for. You’re really mad that he’s dead, okay? Trust me, you really liked this guy. You grew up together, and formed an adventuring party together, so you must be tight. Like brothers. Except you haven’t seen him for a long time now, and you just happened to stumble across his funeral procession. Which you weren't invited to. Did I mention you really liked him and you should probably figure out how he died? You totally should, because you’re really sad about your BFF dying and stuff.

If you want to know how your so-close-he-was-nearly-a-brother-but-you-never-meet-him-in-the-book friend died, turn to page 262 ->

Page 262:

Murder! Murder is how your friend died. I mean, the title of the book has the word “Assassin” in it, after all. You didn’t think he simply choked on a pickled pig’s foot at the local inn, did you?

Thankfully, you’ve been given clues to start investigating this crime (did I mention he was a dear friend). Unfortunately, you’re only going to get to follow up on one of the clues. Sucks to be you.

If you want to investigate a clue, turn to page 16 ->

Good god, that was a lot of text. Oh. No choice? Okay, page 544 is going to be awesome! Good god, that was a lot of text. Oh. No choice? Okay, page 544 is going to be awesome!

Page 16:

So, investigating clues, huh? You must have really loved that guy who died who was your best friend and all. That’s a good choice. It’s a gamebook, after all. Time for some action, am I right? Well, most gamebooks would let you do that, but I need you to read some text. Actually, a lot of text. I know it’s getting a bit boring, and you’d rather just get going, but here’s some more text. Ok. There. I think we’re done. Now turn to page 544.

Page 544:

Notice how I didn’t give you a choice, but just made you go to page 544? Why couldn't it have just been the next page? I don't know either. Now, shut up and read more text, we've got a lot to get through.

OK, done with all that text now? Good. Now, I’ll let you fight something. What do you want to fight? How’s about a talking coyote? What do you mean that sounds lame? It’s totally not. It’s really cool, actually. He might have some secrets about that friend of yours that you love so much that died. Remember him?

If you lose the fight, turn to page 228 ->

Page 544:

Hey, you’ve already been to this page. You lost the fight and are coming back here to redo it, aren’t you? Yeah, I know you’re allowed to do it within the app. Yes, I know it’s actually just like reading a real book. That doesn’t mean you’re not a cheating bastard. Fine, cheat. What do I care. I’m just going to throw 8 more pages of adverb-riddled text at you if you win, anyway.

If you win the fight, turn to page 398 ->

Whoa! "lassitude that was stymieing"? Someone got a thesaurus for their birthday... Whoa! "lassitude that was stymieing"? Someone got a thesaurus for their birthday...

Page 398:

You totally didn’t win that fight, cheater. You suck. Whatever.

Here’s a picture of something. Pretty cool, huh? Yeah, the art in these gamebooks is pretty boss. I’m not bragging, I’m just saying that we’re awesome. What do you mean there isn’t much artwork? I think you’re wrong, and it just seems like there isn’t any because of the incredibly long swaths of text your getting in this book. Text is almost as good as pictures, especially when there's a lot of it, don’t you think. Whoever said a picture is worth 1000 words was an idiot. Text is way better, and more text is even betterer. Or more better. Or best. Or whatever. You suck, cheater.

If you’re thinking you’re just about done with this, turn to page 412 ->

Page 412:

I can’t believe you made it to the end of the book. And you only cheated once!

What’s wrong? You look a little down. Sorry, I called you a cheater. Oh, it’s not that? What is it then? Wait, I know! I’ve seen this look before. It’s the look you get when you see that Star Trek: The Next Generation is on, but then realize Riker is beardless and it’s just not what you were hoping for. I’ve been there, cheater. That doesn’t mean it’s bad, though. You’d rather suffer through "Encounter at Farpoint" one more time that watch about 80% of the crap on TV, right? So, while this gamebook wasn’t the greatest gamebook ever, you’re not too upset with it, are you?

Yeah, I didn’t think so. You’ll even play it again won’t you?

Whoa… what do you mean I’m no Device 6 or Sorcery? That’s a low blow, buddy. Sure, we’re not as innovative as them and, maybe, they’re written a little better. That doesn’t mean we’re not needed, right? People love us. You love us. Just maybe not as much as you used to.

If you want to have another adventure, turn to Page 1 ->

Review: Curse of the Assassin

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